I think my childhood may have been a tad lacking in some things but it was my Big Brother and my Best Friend who set me straight. Maybe my parents wouldn’t have agreed but how else was I to know about that middle finger?

I remembered the first time I saw it. I was learning to drive. Dad was my teacher. I actually got out of the mall parking lot and on the road in our ’64 Corvair. Needless to say, I was thrilled beyond words . Dad gained 20 white hairs and kept reminding himself I was the last off-spring to learn to drive and he could finally retire. At least, that’s what he always told us years later.

We were driving down this quiet residential street and Dad kept up a running commentary of “Stop sign coming, remember to stop” or “School zone, slow down” all the while his foot was tapping invisible brakes on his side.

I stopped, checked left, checked right and proceeded across. Immediately a raucous blare of someone’s horn jarred my concentration and a noisy Volks passed me with a finger sticking out, the middle finger.

Dad said, “Ignore that jerk. He had no right to pass as you were doing good. Make sure your door is locked.”

I thought back. What exactly did I do wrong? What did that finger mean? It clearly wasn’t friendly.

I showed my Big Brother when I got home and asked him what it meant.

“Don’t ever, ever do that finger thing to anyone and especially not in a car unless the windows are rolled up, the doors are locked and you drive away fast. It’s not a good thing to do unless you’re prepared to run.”

“But what does it mean?” I bugged him.

“It means bad things and even if you’re really angry, don’t do that middle finger thing. People–especially the wrong kind of people–find it insulting and fight-worthy.”

Big Brother explained it the best he could. I got the impression that males can do it ’cause they know how to fight and probably spoiling for a good fight. On the other hand, females aren’t supposed to be spoiling for any fight, so they’re not supposed to know this finger thing to get into trouble.

That was the explanation I got when I was sixteen.

I’m much older now. And I have arthritis in both hands. But it’s worse in my right hand. It affects my fingers, especially the middle finger that doesn’t fold down–it sticks up. The honest truth. I can’t make a decent fist without giving the finger.

“Why on earth would you want to make a fist?” asked my Best Friend.

“Well, you know–blood tests and stuff, they always ask you to make a fist.”

“Which hand is making the finger?” queried my BF.

“My right.”

“Well for Pete’s sake, it’s the left hand that would make any gesture out the driver’s window and all those fingers are good, right?”

“Yep.”

“Then stay away from using the right hand and it’s middle finger and you’ll be fine. Jeez for a minute there, you had me worried you got mixed up in the wrong crowd!”

“Do you realize that in my entire life so far, I’ve never used that middle finger wave and I’ve only seen it 3 times?”

“First of all, don’t ever wave that finger. Secondly, stay away from people who do. And thirdly, if you ever have to, make sure your windows are rolled up, the doors are locked and you drive away fast, ” my BF advised.

I forgot to ask how do you do the gesture if the windows are rolled up? Anyway, I’ve never had to give the unfriendly wave, so I guess I’m safe.